Fast Paced Hopes

It is simply amazing how fast this year is progressing. Weeks come and go so quickly that my memory of past events are blurred as there is no real distinction between them. When I sit down and think about it, I realize that I'm not doing all that much. In fact, some people here are taking the same course-load and managing to go out and volunteer - actually getting experience in the field they are pursuing instead of trying to salvage the remains of their musical background. I love orchestra and I'm honored to be able to play with the University Symphony Orchestra here, but I sometimes feel as though I would not be doing it without pressure from my dad. Sure, it's worthwhile, but I'm not really distinguishing myself from all the other pre-med hopefuls who are eagerly putting time in activities that will look great on their medical school application. What is depressing is the fact that some or even most of these people are not really passionate and want to become doctors because this is what they want to do. Most are merely following in the footsteps of their friends, ambivalent to their futures, knowing all will be well in the end because, heck, they're Berkeley students and they'll probably be able to make it in whatever field they choose later in life.

I don't want to sound as though I'm putting myself above the people who do this, because I must admit that I feel the same way sometimes. I'm allocating most of my resources toward becoming a doctor even though I know that I will probably have to take out massive loans. Sometimes I comfort myself and say that I can always get another job that isn't in the medical field once I graduate from college if I don't succeed in getting into medical school. In anyone else's eyes, I'm just like any other typical pre-med student: a point grubbing perfectionist, determined to rise up above a sea of qualified candidates, lamenting when others achieve things vastly superior to what I have come up with.

Why is this so? Why do I allow my baser, selfish thoughts predominate within my mind? I hope there are people that do not have this mindset because I would hope that we can all admire the achievements of others without trying to outdo one another. Is such competition the only way to get students to achieve great things? Or is the monetary reward or prestige that we are all expecting later? I hope that I can learn to judge myself, not based on what others are doing or are capable of, but by my own standard. I hope to compete with myself and continually improve so that I can gain the confidence and knowledge to realize that I'm worthy of my aspirations. And I pray that God will grant me the strength to follow through with my thoughts through my actions.