Purpose

It's almost Thanksgiving and I've been working hard all semester. I even had trouble deciding not to go to the final Organic Chemistry lecture before the holiday. People miss class all the time and seem to be unphased and yet, I had to weigh the decision for a good half an hour before making up my mind to take a break. But wait, I just changed my mind again. Why do I feel like I need to do everything that's handed to me to the best of my ability? I couldn't even fathom not achieving the highest standard anymore. Sometimes I really feel burnt out from it all. Why do I continue? Why am I driven to do the things I do? Am I in control or am I simply finding new ways to blend in with the crowd? It almost feels as though I bury myself in my work to avoid looking at myself and trying to determine who I really am and what I want. However, I'm content to procrastinate on this subject as long as I achieve the results I want academically. Succeed now, ask questions later.

Fast Paced Hopes

It is simply amazing how fast this year is progressing. Weeks come and go so quickly that my memory of past events are blurred as there is no real distinction between them. When I sit down and think about it, I realize that I'm not doing all that much. In fact, some people here are taking the same course-load and managing to go out and volunteer - actually getting experience in the field they are pursuing instead of trying to salvage the remains of their musical background. I love orchestra and I'm honored to be able to play with the University Symphony Orchestra here, but I sometimes feel as though I would not be doing it without pressure from my dad. Sure, it's worthwhile, but I'm not really distinguishing myself from all the other pre-med hopefuls who are eagerly putting time in activities that will look great on their medical school application. What is depressing is the fact that some or even most of these people are not really passionate and want to become doctors because this is what they want to do. Most are merely following in the footsteps of their friends, ambivalent to their futures, knowing all will be well in the end because, heck, they're Berkeley students and they'll probably be able to make it in whatever field they choose later in life.

I don't want to sound as though I'm putting myself above the people who do this, because I must admit that I feel the same way sometimes. I'm allocating most of my resources toward becoming a doctor even though I know that I will probably have to take out massive loans. Sometimes I comfort myself and say that I can always get another job that isn't in the medical field once I graduate from college if I don't succeed in getting into medical school. In anyone else's eyes, I'm just like any other typical pre-med student: a point grubbing perfectionist, determined to rise up above a sea of qualified candidates, lamenting when others achieve things vastly superior to what I have come up with.

Why is this so? Why do I allow my baser, selfish thoughts predominate within my mind? I hope there are people that do not have this mindset because I would hope that we can all admire the achievements of others without trying to outdo one another. Is such competition the only way to get students to achieve great things? Or is the monetary reward or prestige that we are all expecting later? I hope that I can learn to judge myself, not based on what others are doing or are capable of, but by my own standard. I hope to compete with myself and continually improve so that I can gain the confidence and knowledge to realize that I'm worthy of my aspirations. And I pray that God will grant me the strength to follow through with my thoughts through my actions.

Revisions

Justification of belief has been giving me an increasingly difficult time. Although I still hold the majority of my Christian values, I have a fundamental problem with condemning anyone and everyone who does not agree with Christianity to the fiery pits of hell. Is there really only one truth? I'm constantly dealing with situations where someone might bring up examples of how an action can be right in one context and wrong in another. I can easily picture myself belonging to the predominant religion depending on the geographical location of where I was born. Therefore, I feel I must examine my beliefs further to avoid being ignorant of that which I claim to believe. This examination might take a very long time, but that's ok. Omniscient God should know the thoughts of all people and, in the end, it is not us who judges a person's worth. I have not read enough nor know enough to claim that what I believe is what everyone else should believe.
Nonetheless, I can confidently say that I don't believe in something from nothing or life from non-life. The notion that "life just longs to be" that I heard somewhere over the summer. I don't really see the merits of macroevolution and such theories as punctuated equilibrium. Somehow the notion of a speedy evolution all of a sudden and long periods of stasis isn't very plausible in my mind. Of course this is all coming from a very brief examination of these subjects. My understanding of the necessity of cause and effect dictates that there is a real possibility of a deity. Now the problem is identifying this deity. Am I to conform to the tradition that I was raised in? Certainly this would be most comfortable and easy, for I wouldn't have to give my belief much thought and there are many people who don't although they lay claim to a belief.