The Competition Within My Soul

Recently, I've been reevaluating the direction I am taking in life. I've been so entrenched in the thought of medical school that I haven't really had the time to pause and think about why I'm doing it. When I actually think back to when I was applying to college, I didn't really think twice when putting "Biology" down as my major at each school. It wasn't as if I was particularly good at the subject in high school or anything, and I must admit that I didn't know that it would determine which college within the university one was admitted to. Now this fact is just something I laugh with friends about as we talk about our senior years in high school. Unfortunately, this seed of apathy has led to one and a half years of following in the footsteps of other pre-medical students.

"What are you taking next semester?"

"What are you doing to fulfill the English requirement?"

"What are you..."

The list goes on and on. I'd like to pause for a second and try to reevaluate my decisions thus far in college and, through the writing of this post, maybe come to some conclusion about whether or not I really should be continuing to pursue this route.

When I examine my motivations honestly, I think I'm going to have to admit that I was drawn to medicine as a profession because of the stability, respect and (eventual) income doctors eventually earn. A nagging voice in my head never ceases to tell me that these aren't the right reasons to be pursuing this profession. Am I really only self-interested, using my potential profession as a means to show the world that I am really a good, altruistic person who will sacrifice his own pleasures for the health of his community? I hope not. I do care about others and I am certain that I would make a good doctor. But the real question I think I should be asking myself is whether I am willing to sacrifice countless hours of sleep, four more years of schooling, and massive debt to serve the community I eventually end up in. Will I have time for my other interests? The hedonist within me is constantly trying to overcome my pride.

Of course, I've gained much appreciation for the subjects I've taken - organic chemistry in particular - and the thought of myself as being able to utilize my knowledge practically is extremely appealing. The thought of going to graduate school has been surfacing recently - admittedly, partially due to paternal influence - and when I really stop myself to think about it, it doesn't seem like that bad of an option. I've never really given it much serious thought because I had assumed that I would be applying to as many medical schools as my monetary situation would allow. Doing relevant research would be extremely fulfilling, though I have doubts as to whether I am creative and meticulous enough to be successful. I love going into lab and helping out, but I always get the feeling that I don't really know what I'm doing. This might be because I have not really devoted enough time to my lab experience to understand the overall picture of what we're trying to accomplish.

Sometimes I feel like if I really wanted to do research, I should have taken more challenging courses, or majored in some sort of engineering. One year after taking a course here I will have forgotten most of the material I studied so hard to retain for a three hour final. I think being a scientist really entails integrating everything from physics, chemistry and biology and using this knowledge to conduct unbiased research. However, I find that I easily fall into the trap of "going through the motions" and learning things just well enough to complete whatever task we're doing in lab for that day.

People always say "you gotta do what you love" and that in this way you'll "never have to work a day in your life". This is indeed sage advice, but I think I fear doing what I truly love - teaching - because the fiscal reward is not great enough. Actually, it might just be my pride that is holding me back. I like to think that I can keep up with everyone else, intellectually and this drives me toward careers that society deems most respectable. Am I capable of sacrificing a career that might make me most happy for one that will provide more financial reward in the long run so that it will be easier to take care of my family? My mom needs to retire soon and I need to be able to start providing for the both of us. Should I really do what makes me happy or is there a point where responsibility to one's family takes precedence over my individual happiness?

People also say I worry too much. Maybe I'm just not very good at living in the moment. Everything will work itself out, they say. This sounds a little too deterministic to me. I like to think that I'll make everything work itself out.

Time is quite unyielding. It seems to be accelerating to the point where I will have to make the crucial post-baccalaureate decision. Medical school? Pharmacy school? Law school? Graduate school? No more school? Whatever I'm doing I think I need to figure it out quick. Do I want to do what I love and thereby be the happiest in the short run? Or is there a profession that will make me happier in the long run?

Unfortunately I'll have no guarantee of future success if I continue thinking about this instead of doing some studying for MCB 102... It's been another unproductive weekend for me. Still quite lost, but I suppose I'll figure it out eventually.